VAN HELSING (2004) (**)

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Well, the film looks really good. The set design is wonderful and the character design is fresh (even if Van Helsing looks like Vampire Hunter D). However, I got a strong impression throughout the film that too many cooks were stirring this plot.

Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman, X-MEN) is part of a special order out of Rome that fights evil. He’s immortal, but doesn’t have any memories of his past. You know, much like his character Wolverine in the X-MEN films. Jackman’s getting type cast already. He sets out on a mission with his sidekick Friar Carl (David Wenham, LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS), who serves as comic relief and a 19th Century Q. Their mission is to save Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale, PEARL HARBOR) and her brother Velkan (Will Kemp, MINDHUNTERS) from Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh, MOULIN ROUGE!), who has been killing the Valerious family for decades. If Dracula succeeds in killing both Anna and Velkan then their whole family will be doomed to hell. Dracula tries to enlist Frankenstein’s Monster (Shuler Hensley, SOMEONE LIKE YOU) to help him in his evil deeds, but the gentle giant will have nothing to do with him. So Dracula sends his brides Aleera (Elena Anaya, TALK TO HER), Verona (Silvia Colloca, first film role) and Marishka (Josie Maran, LITTLE BLACK BOOK) out to suck blood.

There are several plot lines that fold one on top of another and the film keeps up a decent pace from set piece to set piece. The core idea seems solid with respect to the original monsters (except for the surprise monster) and a nice new take on Van Helsing. However, now I come to my earlier cooks comment. The film displays clearly that multiple screenwriters were brought onto the script to either punch up the comedy or the action.

The worst is the film’s comedy, which is painfully bad. Friar Carl is not funny; he’s annoying and really only serves as a plot device. I kept thinking throughout the movie what a good funny sidekick Donkey was in SHREK. The dialogue is awful in so many places, especially when delivered by the pretty faces that are Dracula’s brides. Beckinsale’s accent is really lame and the film made it really clear that I like her only because she is gorgeous not because she’s been in any film that I have liked or liked her performance in.

As for action, the film is hit or miss. Some stuff is good, but other stuff is ridiculous or utterly implausible. The amount of coincidences that occur to make the heroes’ plans work out can only be explained by divine intervention. Or at least sheer luck. Or more likely weak screenwriting. Contrivance is the ruling factor throughout the whole film, especially at the end where instead of having the characters think their way out of trouble they are saved by chance over and over again.

“Good ideas” like “hey, let’s cram all of our classic movie monsters into one franchise-like film” do not a good movie make. Beckinsale can chalk this one up along with UNDERWORLD as another failed attempt at cashing in on a wanna-be franchise.